at a crossroad

As I battle it out with the pros and cons of my decision to take on this new job, conveniently placed in front of me complete with a hefty package of the bright and promising future, I find myself at a crossroad. Of course there is no doubt that I really want to leave my current job – all 101% of it! It’s just that, is this really the job I want? Do I see myself in this company five years from now? Will there be career growth? Too many questions… so little time… so far, only these words come out of my mouth: “I don’t know…”

I know it may sound not that difficult but honestly, if placed in this kind of situation… it is indeed confusing!

Yes, it is a bit open-ended… but you see… there are also a lot of factors to worry about… if not for the fact that someone has to pay the bills back at home and totally support the family, then I wouldn’t be even considering this job offer. My eldest brother has been supporting the family back home but since he also has his own family to support, half of that responsibility will fall on my tiny shoulders… reality check… I am now responsible for taking care of the family. So being the single daughter, I am expected to take on that responsibility which motivated me to look for another job in the first place!

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life! Patience is indeed a virtue! I’ve waited like forever just to get to that job offer! For some, it would be worth it… but for me, there’s still uncertainty. Am I ready for that kind of life? Adjustment, transition, will be hard. I shall subject myself to nocturnal-ism… turning my night into day and my day into night! I shall miss all the parties and more parties that we will have… and the weekend getaways… but then again, my family needs me and it’s about time that I really take care of them. By “really take care”, I mean, financial support every month… it’s like rent or utility bills! You have to pay up and on time! Wwwaaaaahhhh! Responsibilities! Love ‘em or hate ‘em!

The question is: SHOULD I STAY or SHOULD I GO?

The dysfunctional family says GO! Wherever I think I will be happy… then that’s where I should be.

Joyce says: Yey! Highest paid na si Prinz! So, nuarin kita ma-Starbucks?!

Ariane says: Tama yan! Ako naman ang bahugon nindo!(since she IS the highest paid housemate)

And I say… hhhhmmmmm… (still thinking)

If I really think about it, it’s a no brainer… GO! Grab it! It’s my ticket to a bright future! Hmmm, but it’s a night job! So scratch that… towards a brightly lit future! You will be well compensated. If your health fails you, you have enough money to pay for medicines! And the company covers it!

Sounds good right? You bet!

How long will I last? As long as I can!

Am I ready to give up my current lifestyle? If I have to… I think I can…

Life is hard… whoever said it’s easy is a freaking liar!

I need to discern… there’s a whole lot of thinking to be done! Help me Lord!

the crimson month

Ahhh… yes… it’s that time of the year wherein you are engulfed in nostalgic scarlet hearts, mushy love songs, creamy chocolates (hmmm…. I love chocolates!), sickening romantic aura that emanates from almost everyone and the splash of red in almost every public establishment! Who would have thought that too much red can be such an eyesore? It’s that or I am just tired of staring at my red table that I have grown tired of this color… I was never really a fan of this “romantic” occasion not because I managed to stay single my whole life, but all the love in the air is a bit suffocating… don’t’ you think? A lil bit overrated I guess…

Ways to spend the Hearts Day: if you’re SINGLE and lovin’ it! (at least on my part! Hehe!)

1)       Gather up all your fellow single friends and hit the nearest bar/club and dance the night away! Who says SINGLES on Valentines Day can’t have fun?!

2)       Try Speed Dating or go out on a blind date! You never know… Cupid might hit you with his arrow!

3)       Declare a SPA-ruary day! Treat yourself to that soothing massage, relaxing foot spa, manicure and pedicure that you’ve been raving about, or better yet, get a full makeover!

4)       Watch a cool concert! Every foreign artist known to man is coming to town! All you have to do is pick!

5)       If you’re in the mood to mope and wallow because of your social status, just get yourself a DVD and watch Serendipity or Lake House with a big bowl of your favorite ice cream. Or skip the romance DVD kind and watch a comedy flick instead! There’s nothing like a good ol’ laugh to brighten your day!

Nevertheless, how you spend your Valentines Day is up to you. As for me, I have always spent this day with my friends! And it has been a bit of a tradition for us that Hearts Day is our own excuse to celebrate our friendship over the years! Cheers!

it’s raining men (or boys)! final chapter

Senior Year: met SOCCER BOY, I didn’t know that we were in the same college or rather department. I guess he was part of the upper batch and that he hung out at the university for a while because he likes to stay at school! (I am making it up, but there’s no other explanation as to why he’s still at the university… ahhh! Yes… the Senior Project is still on the works… I guess). Anyway, we became friends and we constantly talk on the phone or exchange e-mails. Whenever we needed help with our programming assignments and projects, he was just one text away! He was rather nice and funny too. We talked about anything under the sun but, honestly, I didn’t know what went wrong, I guess some girl courted him and he just said yes to her (Sino ba naman ang hindi? Babae na yung nanligaw eh…). It was during the intramurals that we saw each other again. He was part of the soccer team so I would cheer for our team (duh?! Cheerleader!). He even wished me luck when it was our turn to compete for the Cheerdance Competition, and promised he’ll watch. It was all good… we still remained to be good friends! I can still confide in him my thoughts, my problems, my experiences.

NOVICE had been my blockmate since freshman year. He was that kind of guy who changes girlfriends every year. Of course I don’t agree with his ways, and he constantly gets a good tongue-lashing from me because of how he treats his girlfriends! But we were friends, he was like a brother to me. So anyway, he has got this secret crush on me! And I have gotten to know this lil fact from his ex-girlfriend who happens to be my good friend! Sheesh! Apparently, he has told her even when they were together that he has a crush on me! I was rather shocked… or a bit disgusted… he was not my type at all. Whenever he calls at the house, he’ll always talk about his ex or his present gf… I was really getting tired of it, coz it’s always the same! His relationships only last for a year! It was stupid! And then out of the blue, as he was contemplating on breaking up with his current girl, he asked me the most stupid question of all questions! Will I let him court me if ever he has broken up with his current girl? My answer: OF COURSE NOT! AND BESIDES, YOU’RE NOT MY TYPE AT ALL! (Haller! Alam na alam ko na kaya karakas mo, would I be stupid enough para pumatol sa’yo? No way!) And he immediately changed the topic! Haha! But my message was perfectly clear, he has got zero chance if he pursued.

Now CLASSMATE was a fairly nice guy, a bit shy but never fails to flash me his smile. He was my classmate in two minor subjects. Some of my minor subjects were on the ‘solo flight’ modes since my blockmates and I took different minor subjects that we ended up parting ways… so to speak. So there I was, in one of my ‘solo flight’ classes, he never failed to make his presence felt. From that constant calling of my name right after class and with me looking back at him with an inquiring look, and then right then and there, he forgets what he was about to say to me! Seconds pass by, then he would just utter the words – “wala… sige… bye…” and with me shaking my head and heading on to the Xavier Hall to meet my friends. I was really clueless, or I was just preoccupied most of the time that I didn’t notice the lengths he would do just so I notice him. Even our teachers and classmates noticed it too! The way he asked our teacher to have his seat moved to the other side of the room just so he can be near me, the way he would protest if we were not in a group together, or the way when he asks to borrow my pen on exam day, or the way he blushes whenever he does the reporting in front of the whole class — he may just be nervous or the fact that I was sitting in the front row made him more nervous. Either way, he was one of the good guys. He courted a few months after he graduated and I was in my senior year. He stopped… then courted me again right after I graduated. But, I had to leave and pursue a career in Manila. We parted ways… and he was well liked by my friends and their families. Now, he’s happy with his girl and busier with his career. We still are friends until now.

And that concludes the storm of men/boys in my teenage and early adulthood years… I may have forgotten a few of them, but so far, these are the guys that I can only remember. I may have stored it in my diary books, which are accumulating dust and molds back at home in Nagaland. I’ll share that with you after I read my journals. Hehe!

it’s raining men (or boys)! chapter 5

Chapter Five

Sophomore Year: Met TWIX back in high school. He was dating my fellow cheerleader/batchmate at that time, and he was also part of the cotillion at our senior prom. I didn’t notice him back then coz he was already taken. But they broke up after high school graduation or in college I guess. Then out of the blue, he sent me a forwarded text message and that was the start of it. He was my 9 pm fix. He calls at the house at exactly 9 pm and we’ll talk until the wee hours of the morning. My eldest brother and I would usually fight over the phone because he also calls his girlfriend at around that time. Being the good sister that I was, I’d give in to my kuya’s request and ask TWIX to call back again. I guess we just loved talking to each other that we don’t notice the time. And plus points for him coz aside from the fact that he’s good-looking, he also makes me laugh! Hmmm… my waterloo (what can I say?! I am a sucker for guys with a sense of humor!)…  we went out a few times, had dinner, seen a movie, brought me food during dance practice, gave me chocolates… called me during the holidays (on his prepaid cell)… drove me home… stuff like that… he could have been the first boyfriend… but poof! He vanished… into thin air… without even saying goodbye… I didn’t understand it at first coz he said he’ll wait… but I guess he was done waiting. We did promise each other that if ever I don’t want him to go on with the courtship, I’ll tell him. And if he wanna stop courting me, he’ll tell me. We agreed on it, could have shook on it but we were on the phone talking. So there you go… communication was cut off and I haven’t heard from him ever since. My friends at his school told me he was already dating someone else, my batch mate and she also lives in the same subdivision where I live… coincidence? Nope! They were actually classmates and we got to talk about her in one of our conversations. I never thought he liked her because she was a bit boyish… but who knows? There could have been an attraction of some sort from the very beginning. Contrary to what my friends thought that I cried over him, well, not true… I didn’t… I guess, I felt it way ahead when he no longer called or even sent text messages… hey… I’m not moronic, I can take a hint… I busied myself with school work and extra-curricular activities to get over. Once I visited his school, since it was my alma mater and I wanted to see my friends as well. I wasn’t expecting to see him but it happened. I was with my friends and we were ascending the stairs towards their classroom. I could hear his voice from afar but I just thought it could be anybody. He was a bit noisy or rather chirpy, greeting my friends who were infront of me, when he saw me, his face fell and he was silent. I just looked at him and smiled. He was too stunned to speak. I guess he never expected to see me at that time. And he left… too embarrassed to face me (after what he’d done, he should be!).

Fast forward to the present year 2008, he sends me text messages from time to time. We had this long exchange of text messages last year, even thought of meeting up for coffee or something. He wanted to talk to me and explain himself. After five years, he finally found the guts to explain. And on my part, I also wanted to say the things I should have told him even if I don’t feel it anymore, just so he knows. It’s weird but I guess we both need to hear each side of the story. They’re planning to get married in a few years and what can I say? I am happy for them. At least they stuck it out with each other after all these years.

Junior Year: met ROCKY ROAD (I was going for rocky road ice cream, but I guess it’s too long for a code name). We were having this afternoon party at a friend’s house after our midterms. We cooked pasta and we hang out and made ‘kwento’ the whole day. He was invited to come and everyone wanted ice cream. Of course we all wanted different flavors, and since my fave was rocky road flavor, I told him over the phone to buy my fave. We were all joking and we didn’t know if he’ll really buy but he did! And guess what flavor? Yup! Rocky road! All two half-gallon of it! He could have bought another flavor but chose mine instead. See? The power of my sweet voice and persuasion I guess! Haha! And he did other sweet things too! He invited us to one of their school concerts wherein he was going to perform. Hey, the guy can really sing. So we wished him luck and we watched him perform. Of course we were there to support him. Clap-clap-clap! And right after his performance, I congratulated him thru a text message. He replied and told me that the song was really for me! (awww… sweet…) And we all went out right after to grab some snacks, and he walked me home. Another party, another ice cream request. My friend wanted strawberry, and I wanted my fave. Again, to my friend’s disappointment, he still bought me my fave. Cool!

I joined the cheerleading squad of our college and there I met MARTIAN. He was your bad boy type but with a softer side. He looks out for all of us girls and was the perfect gentleman. He courted my bessie during our freshmen year, it didn’t work out so he got himself heartbroken. We all got along, we were the driving force of the squad, we practiced almost every night and I guess we all bonded. But then, MARTIAN was really developing this ‘fondness’ of me and I never put malice in it. From the very start, I told my friends that it was never going to happen, I won’t allow it, he courted my bessie and it was simply inappropriate. My cheerleader friend was devastated coz she’s got the biggest crush on him. And she can’t help it coz MARTIAN would always talk to her about me! He’d share to her how he really felt about me. And it breaks her heart even more. Again, not my fault! I found her once in a dark corner during one of our cheerleading practices, crying her eyes out. I asked her what’s wrong and she told me everything. She was clearly heartbroken. I didn’t know what to do, I don’t want to see my friend hurting… and so I asked her, “What do you want me to do? I’ll avoid him for you if that’s what you want, if it will make you feel better… I’ll stop talking to him…” she declined, it wasn’t necessary. It was clear that MARTIAN wasn’t really into her. It was sooo sad!

it’s raining men (or boys)! chapter 4

Chapter Four

College proved to be more headaches rather than heartaches. It was indeed raining boys! Boys in my block did try wooing me but then again, most of them were not even my type! Come to think of it, none of the guys in my block was my type! Damn! What is happening to the world?! Where are the gorgeous boys when you needed ‘em?! Well, not to despair… they’re in the other blocks… other courses… other departments… other colleges… other parts of the university… I guess, our block just comprised of pretty and smart girls, and more pretty girls, and boys (no adjective here) — most of them were retards anyway, with egos as huge as the soccer field and gymnasium combined, assholes, dumbasses, morons, idiots and the like. So you see, I never did like most of them. Most of them think they’re sooo cool, but they’re NOT (eyes rolling).

I often hang out with most of the girls in our block, and some of the harmless boys in class. We are often found in the library (it’s the only place where there are available seats) or at the cafeteria or at the Xavier Hall.

Freshman Year: I was again courted by a younger guy, CAVZ (short for cavity). He was my friend’s cousin and he was your average bad boy type. And he constantly transfers from one school to another because of his “bad boy” ways. Either that or he just got below average IQ… nevertheless, he looks cute (hey, good looks do matter!). Most of my high school friends got a crush on him. Call me immature but I got turned off by his teeth… I guess I was just put off of by those black things (cavities I presume) on his teeth (take note, his two front teeth pa! Kaka-bother!). Yup! I guess my friends didn’t like what I’ve done… dumping the poor guy because of that. Hey, if he has dental issues, he should resolve it with his dentist. I later learned that CAVITY was also doing drugs, and still has not graduated from high school! His cousin confirmed it. Good thing, nothing materialized out of that whole experience! God is truly good!

CRUSHED was my classmate, and believe it or not there are guys who does not understand the meaning of “no”… countless times that I reiterated this to him that there’s no point in pursuing me because it would lead him nowhere and he is just wasting both our time! But persistence ruled and I got p*ssed! What part of “no” does he not understand?! He still pursued… he handed me a mini love scroll… of course I didn’t take it but my seatmate did. She said it was rude not to get it. I rolled my eyes coz I was not interested at all! I could have thrown it at the nearest trash bin for all I care! My seatmate read it for me and it spent shivers down my spine! Out of disgust, I couldn’t bear hearing the rest of it. I called CAKE and it was obvious that I was really p*ssed! I handed him the scroll coz I don’t want to keep it. It turned out he gave the love scroll back to my classmate, he was instantly CRUSHED (thus the ccde name)! I mean it is painful if I give it back to him, but it was a hundred times painful if another guy hands it back to him (like CAKE was already my boyfriend or something)… the shame… the pain… it was all too much for CRUSHED! He couldn’t even step inside the room for our next class. Of course I was a bit clueless at those times but I didn’t care if he wants to stay outside the room. I just don’t care. That night I learned what happened with the love scroll, the barkada told me and some of my classmates who witnessed it… and I think just I crushed somebody’s poor lil heart! Tsk… tsk… tsk…

CAKE was the ultimate shy guy. Again, he is cute and my parents know his parents and vice versa. He could have been my first boy friend! My gay guy friend has had this huge crush on him since high school and my gay friend despised me (not in a serious way though) because all CAKE’s attention was on me, not on him. Well, everything was turning out the way we all planned it… getting to know each other… but something went wrong… CAKE seemed too shy and wasn’t doing anything… on my 18^th birthday, he gave me a birthday cake which he personally delivered to me at home! (Awwww… how sweet!) He got lost a few times and I wasn’t answering his phone calls (I was deliberately ignoring him) so he resulted to calling my other friend for directions (take note, sinamahan pa ni other friend si CAKE para maghatid lang ng cake sa bahay). But then another shocker hit me! A few days right after my birthday, my goddess friend told me what transpired the night of my party after everyone had gone to our ‘tambayan’. Of course I couldn’t go with them that night since my party isn’t over yet, and some o f my guests were still enjoying the party. I learned that my other friend and CAKE were really chummy-chummy that night at the tambayan, they were even holding hands! My reaction? It was cool, after all, I have given up on CAKE. If he was that interested in me, he could have done something… but so far, the cake delivery was the boldest gesture he ever made! My other friend was at a dilemma on how to tell me (my other friend and CAKE was now a couple, just after a few days)… for sure it would seem she stole CAKE from me… but I just laughed it off! Good thing I was forewarned! So there, I accepted her news with open arms! It was a bit awkward seeing them together, so I seldom hangout at the tambayan to avoid those weird moments.

Right after the whole CAKE incident, TWISTED came instantly into the picture. I really needed a breather after that but my friends yet kept on pushing another guy my way! They really couldn’t take a hint. My heart needs to rest! Dammit! I resulted to avoiding TWISTED whenever I see his shadows appear. And besides, for a guy, he has got no balls (now, that’s another story)… and he wasn’t my type at all. I think I broke his heart too… I am so sorry!!!